I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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