I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
