Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Randomize