Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
