I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
