His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
