Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
