so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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