Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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