He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
