Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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