I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
