ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
