News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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