My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She needs sedatives and a leash
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
