Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
