My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize
