If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
