you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
