Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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