somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
