your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
