I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
