My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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