You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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