i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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