Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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