Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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