I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
