They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
