i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
