Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
