i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
