this beer tastes like vomit already
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
