apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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