I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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