The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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