Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
