Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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