theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize