No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
