My Higher Power is John Stamos
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
