I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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