she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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