Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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