I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
