i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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