At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
