My cat gives me a boner
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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