I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
