At least make sure they are 18
Why
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
