I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
