if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
What a dumb baby whore.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize