At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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