I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
