he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My balls are so social today.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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