I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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