My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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