Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
